The Curious Incident of the Wasted Douche in the Night-time

So last night, my roommate celebrated his 19th birthday by drinking with his friends. Typical tuesday night, right? I figured he would stumble into the dorm room around 2 in the morning, waking me up in the process, and drunkenly climb up into bed and pass out. Little did I know what I would wake up to in the morning.

Fast forward to 7:30, and my roommate Jacob (who sleeps on the top bunk) was getting up to use the bathroom. But as soon as his feet touched the floor, he knew something was amiss. I heard him proclaim that the floor was wet. Well that seems logical; I mean this is western Washington after all. Jonah probably walked home last night in the rain and his wet shoes left a puddle in the room. Jacob had a different theory, however.

It was then that Jacob accused Jonah of pissing on the floor. Jonah laughed it off, thinking it was a joke, and we all went back to sleep.

Then, right on schedule, the alarm went off at nine. At this point, the room was illuminated much better then it had previously been during the initial confrontation. Enough light cascaded throughout the room to reveal a very wet floor. Disgruntled, Jacob called out Jonah again. The story goes, Jacob woke up when Jonah came into the room early this morning. Quite awake, Jacob heard a peculiar noise. It sounded like somebody pissing into a garbage can. But...no. Surely Jonah wasn't so wasted that he was pissing in our garbage can...was he? Sure enough, upon further inspection we found the garbage can doused in urine. And not only the garbage can, but the entire surrounding area. It looked like the aftermath of a toddler trying to pee standing up for the first time. The worst part was, there was more pee on the other side on the room. How the fuck did he manage to get it way over there, in the opposite direction? Did he pull a Matrix move and arch his body backwards, directing the stream over his face and behind him? Probably not, considering the flexibility and coordination required to successfully pull off that move is daunting while sober, let alone in a drunken state. Is Jonah simply a mischievous asshole, and thought it would be funny to prance around the room in the dark while urinating? Probably. That's what I'm going with.

Jonah insists that he recalls nothing about the incident. His side of the story is that his brother has a history of pissing in the clean laundry hamper while sleepwalking, and that he must have fallen victim to genetics and carried on a similar activity. No Jonah, what you have fallen victim to is belief perseverance. The tendency to stick to your initial belief even when the evidence contradicts your stance. We have an eye-witness account (ear-witness, I should say) from Jacob that puts you at the scene of the crime within a few minutes of returning to the dorm. This means that unless you crawled into bed, passed out, and commenced your sleepwalking in a very timely manner, you were conscious and aware of your actions. Let's just attribute the incident to drunken stupidity and put it behind us, shall we?

The real miracle here is that my backpack somehow survived the ordeal unscathed. My backpack was right at ground zero when the attack on the garbage can occured, and yet it managed to walk away safe and dry. The one and only bright light in an otherwise tragic and dark moment in the early history of this dorm room.