Horror Whore

You know, I wish horror movies these days were actually scary. What happened to the movies that used to induce nightmares for weeks after the initial viewing, and make me question every shadow and every movement out of the corner of my eye? Now all the horror movies rely on cheap disposable scares, gratuitous nudity (always a good thing), and sadism. There's nothing scary about watching rib cages splinter and internal organs gushing out of open wounds. I'm pretty sure that douche nozzle Eli Roth and all the people responsible for the Saw franchise sit around at conference tables and circle jerk over photographs of mutilated corpses while they brainstorm ideas for their movies.

What makes movies like John Carpenter's Halloween so timeless and endearing is their ability to produce genuine and explicit terror in the viewer. Halloween had no outrageous hollywood budget to computer generate creatures from another dimension to scare people. Halloween doesn't show innocent people ripped to pieces by torture devices or limbs graphically severed from bodies. Halloween relies on simplistic film-making, in every sense of the word. By giving a brief glimpse of Michael Myers in the background of a continous frame, Carpenter allows the audience to create their own fear. Nothing significant happens on screen, but the tension builds nonetheless, simply because the viewer knows that something is coming. And when it finally does, the result is so much more satisfying then a maniac jumping out from behind a curtain.

I could turn this post into a 10,000 word appreciation of Halloween, but that's not the point. As an avid movie fan and a self-proclaimed nerd, I find myself missing the Golden Age of horror. I became nostalgic after watching the shitfest that was The Mist a little while ago. However, if you don't think the end ruled, you can eat all the dicks.

The problem with that movie was it relied too much on aesthetics to scare people, and not enough on creating a solid atmosphere. Stephen King is the master of horror, and yet almost every movie based on his work is laughable in its execution. And that is because Stephen King knows what is scary, not the people making movies these days. You know who got Stephen King right? Stanley Kubrick. If you do not know what I'm talking about, you can eat all the dicks left over from the people who didn't think the end of The Mist was rad. And when both of those groups of people have their stomachs stacked to the brim with dicks and can no longer continue eating, everyone who thinks Rob Zombie's version of Halloween is better then Carpenter's can finish the job until every dick on earth is consumed.

Seriously Zombie, way to rape the legacy of the best horror film ever made by making Michael Myers a trailer trash chode that had daddy issues. Nice job missing the point entirely. I mean sure, every movie after Halloween 2 was already pretty successful at raping, but at least those abominations were original works.

Rob, you should be thankful that every dick has already been eaten. Consider yourself lucky.